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The New Year is
traditionally a time to reflect on where we are in our lives and to think
about improvements that we'd like to make. It seems obvious that the first
step in choosing appropriate New Year's Resolutions should be to define
specific goals for what we want to achieve in the coming year. I'm a huge
fan of goal setting, but I'm no longer convinced it's the best way to
approach this whole resolution thing.
Focusing on specific
goals leads to those oh-so-familiar resolutions such as "Lose 10 pounds by
February 1st," "Go to the gym five times a week," "Stop arguing with my
[mother/brother/in-laws/your personal nemesis here]," "Get out of debt,"
"Quit smoking," and so on. These are all admirable and worthy
objectives—until we binge on that last box of holiday chocolates, start
skipping workouts, let Mom get under our skin (again), succumb to a
post-Christmas sale or give in to the craving for a cigarette, and the
self-recrimination begins.
The purpose of New Year's
Resolutions is to help us focus on positive changes we want to make in our
lives. Our intentions are good, but often all that we accomplish is to
repeat past failures, undermine our self-worth, and add to our burden of
guilt because once again we didn't follow through on what we said we were
going to do.
A 1998 survey conducted
by the University of Washington reported that 63% of the people questioned
were still keeping their #1 resolution after two months. That sounds pretty
good given how prone we humans are to temptation, but frankly I'm not all
that impressed. Two months is a good start, but it's not much time to make
lasting changes and I can't help but wonder what that study would have
revealed three, or six, or twelve months down the road.
If the prospect of making
New Year's Resolutions triggers feelings of guilt because you've been making
the same ones year after year -- without ever losing that 20 pounds, or
exercising more, or quitting smoking, or getting out of debt, or
really-truly-this-time-I-mean-it finally getting organized—perhaps it's time
for a new kind of resolution.
I've come to the
conclusion that the best resolutions are process-oriented, not
goal-oriented. They focus not on achieving a specific goal by a specific
date, but on making subtle and important shifts in how we are living in each
moment. I'd like to see more of us make resolutions like "Treat everyone I
meet with kindness," "Respond to anger with compassion," "Honor and respect
my body," "Make better use of my talents and abilities," or "Be a mindful
caretaker of my financial assets."
These kinds of
resolutions deliberately break the #1 goal-setting rule: "be specific."
Their vagueness is their greatest asset, because instead of setting a
concrete milestone (which we then beat ourselves up for not reaching), they
provide a gentle guiding light that keeps us headed in the right direction
as we make our cautious way forward to becoming better at being who we are.
Process-oriented
resolutions help us avoid the pitfalls of failure and guilt by making it
easier to reinvent our lives moment by moment. If we slip up and eat that
donut, lose our temper, pull out a credit card or light up and take a deep
drag, our resolutions remind us that we can make a different choice next
time.
This does not mean you
shouldn't set goals this year! Goals are terrific, and important, and I
definitely recommend creating a specific, written list of your desired
achievements. I also, however, suggest separating goal-setting and
resolution-making into two distinct tasks.
This year, instead of
defining your New Year's Resolutions by what you want to achieve, use them
to describe something about the type of person you want to be. Think about
what you want to accomplish, then make resolutions that provide a foundation
of attitudes and behaviors that will support you in achieving the specific
goals you've added to your list.
Stephanie Roberts is a feng shui
consultant in Maui, Hawaii, and the author of the best-selling
"Fast Feng Shui" books.
Her new New Year's Resolution is "to make choices that assist me in living
to my fullest potential." To find out how you can use contemporary Western
feng shui to help you achieve greater success and happiness in your life,
visit her site at www.fastfengshui.com. |
